These past few days have been hard. I have found myself getting down and feeling very emotional when I think about my life before cancer. I yearn for it. I miss home and my life before. I struggle when I think about what the near future holds for me, what to expect, how am I going to get through it.
Lately I've had interesting thoughts, emotions and feelings as I look through Instagram and Facebook. Something I used to and still love to do has become harder and more painful to me. It makes me miss my family and my friends like crazy. It also makes me feel a little jealous and unsettled, everyones lives seem perfect. I know this isn't true and everyone has their own struggles, but its sometimes hard to keep perspective. The ability to see the good in others lives is so much easier than seeing the good in our own especially over social media. I'm trying to focus on seeing all the good in my life. I have been truly blessed and no cancer diagnosis is going to take that away from me. I have a wonderful life and I want to be able to be grateful and remember that through all of this.
Everyone has their days where life is going to suck and be hard and get you down, but the important thing in those moments is to not shrink. I keep trying to remind myself this. I just finished reading an excerpt from Elder Bednars new book where he talks about Elder Maxwells battle with cancer. He says.... In his October 1997 general conference message, Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own . . . trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not . . . shrink’—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.” (Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ,’” 22).
It's all going to become a reality this week. Chemo starts Wednesday. This is my life right now and I'm struggling with being okay with it. It's hard. It's hard to think about my life before all this. I pray I can be like Elder Maxwell and not shrink. I pray I can learn from this trial I have been given because learning and growing will make it all okay.
xoxo,
Tori
Tori, we are so blessed to have you in our family. You're the best thing that ever happened to Joe. Your boys make me smile just thinking about them. I know that you'll have hard days during treatment. I also know that one day you'll reflect on these days and recognize the lessons learned. You will likely even thank the Lord one day for these challenges and for the strength they gave you for other chapters in your life. I love you and your family. Bill
ReplyDeleteTori - I love how incredibly honest you are in your posts. It is refreshing and touching. I have never had to go through what you are but I do know this, without a doubt, you are not alone. Angels will be about you to bear you up, you are surrounded by people who love you on at least two continents (maybe more) and the Lord is by your side. Praying that you have strength to do this. Can't wait to see the wonderful things the Lord has in store for you! Love,
ReplyDeleteKristi
Happy Mother's Day! "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" 2 Peter 1:3 Love you, your posts, and praying for you and your darling family :)
ReplyDelete