It was a good day

Today we set out to go to 2 different Dr. appointments with the 3 boys in tow. I made the appointments under the impression Max and Tate would be back in school, but it turns out they had an extra day of school holidays. I was so grateful they did. I wasn't ready to send them back. I had a pretty emotional Sunday and still wanted to spend time with my boys before school started up. 

Going to church for the first time since my surgery was harder than I thought it would be. The entire time I was sitting in sacrament meeting, all I could think about was everyone feeling sorry for me. I know I was just being silly, but it's seemed so real in my head when I was conjuring it all up while sitting there. Just as the meeting was coming to a close Porter started to get a little antsy so I quickly told Joe I would take him outside and to meet me at the car.... I guess it was basically to avoid talking to anyone. Then Joe left around 12 that afternoon for a work trip. It hit me how much that guy means to me. I was having separation anxiety with him going for the first time in a long time. I need him and I feel so lucky I have him. It was a hard day for me, I was thinking about the next few months and getting overwhelmed with what's to come. I'm one of those people who thinks their life is in shambles after dark when they can't sleep, this is the feeling I had the entire day..... I knew if I could make it until this morning everything would be okay, and guess what, it was even better than I could have thought. 

I arrived early to my first appointment so I decided to walk across the hall to get my blood work taken (I have to do this before I start my chemo). That was easy. Then onto my physical therapist. She's amazing and calmed all my fears of lympedema. I'm healing normally and she says my range of motion is getting back to normal. I still can't lift more than 5 kilos for 2 1/2 weeks on my right arm and 3 1/2 weeks on my left arm. She gave me this crazy compression garment I have to wear 4-6 hrs per day so the fluid will stop building up in my back. It's ugly. 

We then drove around a little, took the boys to lunch and made it back to the hospital just in time for my appointment with my plastic surgeon. He says I'm healing well, and I agree with him. I'm very surprised at the results of everything already. He also gave me the go ahead to drive, this made me so happy. He drained some fluid from my back and took off all my tape. Then he asked if I wanted to be blown up (a fill of my expander implants) of course I said yes and watched as my boobs grew before my eyes. Pretty cool! He put 100 cc of saline in each side. It was super easy and painless, now it's a little tight, but manageable. 

While I was in my appointment, my mom was supposed to be taking the boys to the park across the street. I went outside though and they were no where to be found. After walking around for about 15 minutes I finally see my car come around the corner.... I guess my mom got stuck driving and couldn't get back to where she wanted to go because of a bunch of one way streets. It turned out to be a good thing for me though and I think it was supposed to happen like that so I could go play at the park with her and the boys.  The sun was finally out and it was a pretty awesome park with a hill top slide (maybe 100 feet down the hill) The boys were in heaven and it was so fun to listen to their laughter and to watch them enjoy being little boys. My mom even got in on the action and went down on the slide with them quite a few times. I love being a mom and these boys make my life better. They make me better and they make me know everything is going to be okay. 

Perspective

I feel a little bit like I am not myself anymore. This whole process has already changed me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm still me, but a different me. I feel sometimes like I'm walking through cloud and other times like my perspective is so much clearer.

Yesterday when I was in the doctors office and the nurse was changing the bandages, I felt like I wasn't looking at me. This wasn't me and it wasn't my life. When I looked at the scars on my back and the scars on my front I cringed and feel like this wasn't my body, like I was for sure looking at someone else.

When I feel the port that will eventually deliver my chemotherapy it freaks me out. I can barely touch it and it is now a part of me. There is a foreign object under my skin and it feels so strange. I know my scars are going to heal and get better and eventually they won't be as noticeable, but I can't get used to the fact that they are now a part of me. Something I will always have to remind me of this time in my life.

When I read others stories or think about my treatment plan or I sit on the phone making more appointments and talking to insurance company about what's covered, I'm just going through the motions. I think to myself over and over again, Is this real? Is this really my life? It's like I'm walking through a cloud.

Then there are moments like tonight as I got my boys ready for bed, that things seem so clear. How strong my love is for those sweet boys and the connection we have with each other. HowI could stare at each one of them for hours and not be bored. How I could listen to their stories and thoughts and try to tell them how much I love them without really being able to explain to them the extent of what I feel.

When I am outside and I feel the sun on my face and the beauty all around me, I feel like things are moving so clearly in slow motion.Things that mattered to me before don't really seem to matter to me anymore. It's crazy.

I find clarity in the moments that make me appreciate my life and all the many blessings I have. I am able to find more beauty in the little things. These moments help me to see and to understand that there is a plan for me and I am going to be able to overcome this trial I have been given and be better because of it.

I know it's going to be hard and Joe and I keep talking about how important it is for me to realize that all of this is going to be temporary. Feeling terrible through chemotherapy is going to be temporary. Our bodies are amazing and I know I will be able to bounce back and I just pray I can remember that when I am in the midst of it all.

Silly kids

Joe says I need to post more pictures on here. He made me realize I haven't been taking very many pictuers, these are two my mom took when she and my dad took the boys to hold Koalas at Cohunu Koala Park. They both made my day when I saw them, so I thought I would share. 

The next step...

Lets start by saying this. I love my oncologist. She is pretty amazing and has been involved with countless clinical trials. She knows her stuff and she made me, Joe and my parents feel so confident in my treatment. She's one busy lady. Her office was packed and she was running over an hour behind today. Once we finally got into see her, you would never know there were 5 more women in the waiting room that were already an hour past their appointment time. She made us feel like we could take all the time in the world and ask as many questions as we needed. We didn't feel rushed at all. She walked me right through her plan for me and explained why she chose each treatment. I feel completely comfortable with it all.

So here goes, I'm going to start Chemotherapy May 7. The type of chemo is called TCH: Docetaxel (T), Carboplatin (C) and Trastuzumab (H). The chemo portion of my treatment will be given in 6 cycles over 18 weeks. I will also start the drug Herceptin which specifically will target the HER2 positive part of my cancer. The Herceptin will be given along with my chemo every 3 weeks, but continuing on over the next 12 months. Luckily the Herceptin has minimal side effects, the only real side effects (having to do with my heart) will be lessened because I am being given a chemo treatment that is less likely to cause heart damage.

From what I understand, if I were to do nothing from this point forward (have a mastectomy with no treatment) the likeliness of my cancer returning is around 40%. If I add in chemotherapy/herceptin that number goes down to about 10%, then I add in my hormone therapy that I will need after all of this that number goes down to around 7-8%. This is still with out radiotherapy which is being recommended, but I need more numbers and more information before I go forward with it. I want my best chance of a cure, but I also don't want to put my body through more than it needs to go through.

The way it was all laid out for me made me feel like it's going to be hard, but it's going to be doable. She told me I can still be around my kids (I was worried about getting sick) she told me I don't have to worry about the kinds of sickness they will be getting. She said I can still travel (as long as I do it after my first 2 rounds of chemo so we will know how I'm responding) and I can still do all the things I was doing before. She said it's actually better for me to do all the things I was doing before. She said I will need help because I will be tired. What I took from it is to try to do as much as I am able. Basically if I can do it, then I need to do it. I think part of this is for my sanity as well. The more normal I can make my life, the less depressing it will be through all this. I'm hoping that with her telling me and me feeling like I'm going to be able to do things that I'm not setting myself up... I really hope I can handle it all well. I think I can, but you really never know and everyone reacts so differently to chemo. With chemo, you get very forgetful something that can be called "chemo brain" or "chemo fog" in order to help this not be so bad, she told me keep my mind busy. To do puzzles, read, have Joe quiz me on things to keep my brain active. An example she gave was to make a grocery list then try to memorize the first 8 items on it, then to take it to the store and try to get the memorized items first without looking at the list. Not sure I could even do that now....

As I left there today, the only thought I really had it it's all going to be okay. I feel comforted for some reason and I feel like I can do this. I can do hard things. I feel grateful in some ways because it could have been so much worse. She told me I had early breast cancer (I'm stage 2 grade 2) and most women who are my age when they are diagnosed they are already at a grade 3. That right there makes me feel so blessed. Again I feel like I'm going to be okay. For some reason I feel the need to reassure people of this. Now, I'm starting to think more along the lines of what am I learning from this and how can I become better or help others because of this trial I was given. I definitely have moments when I'm down, but I know if I push through and ultimately can come out a better person then it will all be okay.

xoxo,

Tori

Goodbye forever

The last few weeks the first thing I do when I wake up is I check the levels of my drain or drains. I knew if the output was below 30mL then there's a good chance I would be getting them out.

Early last week I had my second to last one removed and I thought for sure I would have my last one removed at an appointment I had later that week. I was wrong, my last drain was still in after that appointment, through the weekend and into this week. This weekend it was terrible. It was still draining 70 mL every night and on Sunday night it was causing me so much pain I about pulled it out myself. I even went as far as to have Joe clip the stitch that was holding it in because it was so painful. That relieved a little bit of the pressure, but not all of it. After that stitch was out I had to be extra careful, we used my bandages to keep it in. 

Finally, I woke up today and it had only drained 25mL... it could tell it was going to be a great day! I was so excited I called the home care nurse first thing and made an appointment to have it taken out. 

Now I feel like a normal person with nothing to drag along wherever I go. My boys were the cutest. Max noticed right off because he heard me telling my friend about it. When my mom mentioned something to Tate about me not having my drain, his big eyes lit up and he was so excited, he said "Really, let me see Mom" in such an excited voice. We spent tonight snuggling together one boy on each side. Something we couldn't do before. The boys even fell asleep with me downstairs, I was loving it. They are getting so big, but having them want to be close to me is one of the best feelings in the world. I hope they never outgrow wanting to snuggle with me. I love them all so much.

xoxo,

Tori

Long road

After my diagnosis March 17, I didn't have much time to even think about what was to come. My main focus was on choosing the right doctors to remove the cancer from my body. I am so grateful  and happy with the choices I have made with my doctors. Grateful I took the time to research and find out who would be able to give my the best chance of a cure. I was admitted to the hospital and had my first surgery just over a week and a half after my diagnosis. It was all so surreal.

Things are just starting to sink in now. I have been home for about a week from the hospital after being in for a day shy of two weeks. Those two weeks went by so fast and I wasn't ready to come home until the day I left. Life is real now. While laying in the hospital it's easier to think of your life and your family when you know they are okay and taken care of. It's so much harder to be home now and to not be myself. I can't do the things I did before. Just Saturday we had a great day as a family touring the city and going to the famous Fremantle prison. I was worn out after and I didn't even do anything.... someone else pushed porter in the stroller because I can't, someone else held him when he wanted to be held because I can't, someone else changed his diaper and chased him around. Even though someone else did all the things I was used to doing I was the tired one. I was the one who had to come home and rest. It's all so real now, I've spent the last two days in my recliner. My last drain has been sitting on nerves so it hurts to move. I had Joe cut the stitch that was holding it in last night and that relieved a little of the pressure and pain, but it's still there. I now have to be very careful because it's being held in by two bandages.

The more I sit here and think the more scared I become about what I have ahead of me. I know it's going to be a long road and it's going to be hard, but I think it's just starting to hit me. I have time to think and research and read other peoples experiences through all this. I just pray that I can handle chemo well. I want to be a  part of my kids lives. I took things for granted before, I hated doing laundry and cleaning my house, and that's what I want to be doing now. I watch my mom (I could not do any of this with out her and am beyond grateful she is here) do everything I used to and I ache to take my kids out to the park and run with them. It's their school holiday (like spring break) and my sweet boys are watching their mom sit in a recliner. They are so sweet and so concerned about me that the hugs they give me are so soft I can barely feel them. I'll tell them they can squeeze tighter and they get excited and say okay mom, I just didn't want to hurt you.... I don't want them to be worried about that. I tell them how sorry I am that I'm not out there playing with them and taking them to do fun things. They are the most understanding little boys I have ever seen. I love them so much my heart could burst. I hope they know how much I love them and how much I want to be there with them. I pray every day that I can be cured of this terrible disease and get back to the mom I was.

I have faith I will be okay and I will get through this. It's just hard to keep perspective all the time. It's hard to stay positive all the time. I try, but it's not easy.

xoxo,
Tori

How the boys found out I have cancer

Something I feel the need to write down and document here is how the kids found out I had cancer. Joe and I were having a really hard time with when the best time was to tell them. We were putting things off to shelter them.

A little background on why we felt the need to shelter them... In February, as a family we traveled back to the US from Australia because we has received word that Joes mom was losing her year long battle with cancer. We knew we wanted to be there at this time to say our goodbyes and be with the family, so we hopped on a plane and endured the 25 hour flight to get there. We arrived just in time for a very emotional goodbye with her. She knew we were there and was still coherent enough to call us by name and to hold us in her arms so we could sob together. We miss her everyday and the last year as we watched he battle this terrible disease my boys were there watching too and asking questions. My boys watched their loving grandma go through chemo and lose her hair, they watched her slow down, they watched her go from being their active, gift giving, babysitting anytime, loving would do anything for them grandma to being weak and tired and finally to her laying there saying her sweet goodbyes to them. She was only 56 and in my opinion things just aren't supposed to happen like this. As a family this was one of the hardest things we had endured until now and she passed away only a month before my diagnosis. It was too fresh. 

This is the reason we felt we needed to be super careful about using the word cancer. My boys knew nothing about my cancer until about a week and a half after my diagnosis. All my doctors appointments were being made while they were at school. Max was the first to catch on that something wasn't right when I had to cancel a field trip I was supposed to go on with him for an appointment with my surgeon. How it works here and especially with the surgeons is they make the appointments for you and you are working around their surgical schedule and when they are in the office. The only time I could get in for my next appoinment was during the field trip. I was heartbroken. I had been looking forward to it and so was max. I had to tell him and he kept saying just change it mom, it was hard for him to understand why I couldn't and that made it harder for me. It's all I could think about. I felt terrible. Even dropping him off that day in his adorable olden day clothes, all I wanted to do was hop on that bus with him. He survived though. When u found out my surgery was April 1 and coming up quick joe and I explained to the boys I was having surgery (no mention of cancer) We talked about it quite often. The night before I went into the hospital as I was tucking the boys into bed I started explaining to them more of what was going to happen and what to expect. I told them I would leave for the hospital before they woke up and that I would go in for surgery to take something out of me chest that's making me sick. Max then asked if I would be able to talk when I woke up or if I would be like grandma. I explained I was going to be just fine and the differences in the situation. They then asked why grandma couldn't have surgery to make her better. I explained more of this to them. They told me how much they missed grandma. I told them I missed her so much too. After a short pause Tate speaks up and says to me Mom, I really wish you didn't have cancer. I was shocked, this little boy is 5 years old and through all of this figured it out. I was so grateful he did. For me it was a tender mercy that I didn't have to be the one to say those words to him. I went on to tell them both I wish I didn't have it either, and also explained that I'm going to be just fine. The doctors will take it out and treat it and mommy would get better.

I love these sweet tender hearted boys of mine and an so grateful for the plan of salvation and that families can be together forever. 

Xoxo,

Tori