The next step...

Lets start by saying this. I love my oncologist. She is pretty amazing and has been involved with countless clinical trials. She knows her stuff and she made me, Joe and my parents feel so confident in my treatment. She's one busy lady. Her office was packed and she was running over an hour behind today. Once we finally got into see her, you would never know there were 5 more women in the waiting room that were already an hour past their appointment time. She made us feel like we could take all the time in the world and ask as many questions as we needed. We didn't feel rushed at all. She walked me right through her plan for me and explained why she chose each treatment. I feel completely comfortable with it all.

So here goes, I'm going to start Chemotherapy May 7. The type of chemo is called TCH: Docetaxel (T), Carboplatin (C) and Trastuzumab (H). The chemo portion of my treatment will be given in 6 cycles over 18 weeks. I will also start the drug Herceptin which specifically will target the HER2 positive part of my cancer. The Herceptin will be given along with my chemo every 3 weeks, but continuing on over the next 12 months. Luckily the Herceptin has minimal side effects, the only real side effects (having to do with my heart) will be lessened because I am being given a chemo treatment that is less likely to cause heart damage.

From what I understand, if I were to do nothing from this point forward (have a mastectomy with no treatment) the likeliness of my cancer returning is around 40%. If I add in chemotherapy/herceptin that number goes down to about 10%, then I add in my hormone therapy that I will need after all of this that number goes down to around 7-8%. This is still with out radiotherapy which is being recommended, but I need more numbers and more information before I go forward with it. I want my best chance of a cure, but I also don't want to put my body through more than it needs to go through.

The way it was all laid out for me made me feel like it's going to be hard, but it's going to be doable. She told me I can still be around my kids (I was worried about getting sick) she told me I don't have to worry about the kinds of sickness they will be getting. She said I can still travel (as long as I do it after my first 2 rounds of chemo so we will know how I'm responding) and I can still do all the things I was doing before. She said it's actually better for me to do all the things I was doing before. She said I will need help because I will be tired. What I took from it is to try to do as much as I am able. Basically if I can do it, then I need to do it. I think part of this is for my sanity as well. The more normal I can make my life, the less depressing it will be through all this. I'm hoping that with her telling me and me feeling like I'm going to be able to do things that I'm not setting myself up... I really hope I can handle it all well. I think I can, but you really never know and everyone reacts so differently to chemo. With chemo, you get very forgetful something that can be called "chemo brain" or "chemo fog" in order to help this not be so bad, she told me keep my mind busy. To do puzzles, read, have Joe quiz me on things to keep my brain active. An example she gave was to make a grocery list then try to memorize the first 8 items on it, then to take it to the store and try to get the memorized items first without looking at the list. Not sure I could even do that now....

As I left there today, the only thought I really had it it's all going to be okay. I feel comforted for some reason and I feel like I can do this. I can do hard things. I feel grateful in some ways because it could have been so much worse. She told me I had early breast cancer (I'm stage 2 grade 2) and most women who are my age when they are diagnosed they are already at a grade 3. That right there makes me feel so blessed. Again I feel like I'm going to be okay. For some reason I feel the need to reassure people of this. Now, I'm starting to think more along the lines of what am I learning from this and how can I become better or help others because of this trial I was given. I definitely have moments when I'm down, but I know if I push through and ultimately can come out a better person then it will all be okay.

xoxo,

Tori