How the boys found out I have cancer

Something I feel the need to write down and document here is how the kids found out I had cancer. Joe and I were having a really hard time with when the best time was to tell them. We were putting things off to shelter them.

A little background on why we felt the need to shelter them... In February, as a family we traveled back to the US from Australia because we has received word that Joes mom was losing her year long battle with cancer. We knew we wanted to be there at this time to say our goodbyes and be with the family, so we hopped on a plane and endured the 25 hour flight to get there. We arrived just in time for a very emotional goodbye with her. She knew we were there and was still coherent enough to call us by name and to hold us in her arms so we could sob together. We miss her everyday and the last year as we watched he battle this terrible disease my boys were there watching too and asking questions. My boys watched their loving grandma go through chemo and lose her hair, they watched her slow down, they watched her go from being their active, gift giving, babysitting anytime, loving would do anything for them grandma to being weak and tired and finally to her laying there saying her sweet goodbyes to them. She was only 56 and in my opinion things just aren't supposed to happen like this. As a family this was one of the hardest things we had endured until now and she passed away only a month before my diagnosis. It was too fresh. 

This is the reason we felt we needed to be super careful about using the word cancer. My boys knew nothing about my cancer until about a week and a half after my diagnosis. All my doctors appointments were being made while they were at school. Max was the first to catch on that something wasn't right when I had to cancel a field trip I was supposed to go on with him for an appointment with my surgeon. How it works here and especially with the surgeons is they make the appointments for you and you are working around their surgical schedule and when they are in the office. The only time I could get in for my next appoinment was during the field trip. I was heartbroken. I had been looking forward to it and so was max. I had to tell him and he kept saying just change it mom, it was hard for him to understand why I couldn't and that made it harder for me. It's all I could think about. I felt terrible. Even dropping him off that day in his adorable olden day clothes, all I wanted to do was hop on that bus with him. He survived though. When u found out my surgery was April 1 and coming up quick joe and I explained to the boys I was having surgery (no mention of cancer) We talked about it quite often. The night before I went into the hospital as I was tucking the boys into bed I started explaining to them more of what was going to happen and what to expect. I told them I would leave for the hospital before they woke up and that I would go in for surgery to take something out of me chest that's making me sick. Max then asked if I would be able to talk when I woke up or if I would be like grandma. I explained I was going to be just fine and the differences in the situation. They then asked why grandma couldn't have surgery to make her better. I explained more of this to them. They told me how much they missed grandma. I told them I missed her so much too. After a short pause Tate speaks up and says to me Mom, I really wish you didn't have cancer. I was shocked, this little boy is 5 years old and through all of this figured it out. I was so grateful he did. For me it was a tender mercy that I didn't have to be the one to say those words to him. I went on to tell them both I wish I didn't have it either, and also explained that I'm going to be just fine. The doctors will take it out and treat it and mommy would get better.

I love these sweet tender hearted boys of mine and an so grateful for the plan of salvation and that families can be together forever. 

Xoxo,

Tori