Long road

After my diagnosis March 17, I didn't have much time to even think about what was to come. My main focus was on choosing the right doctors to remove the cancer from my body. I am so grateful  and happy with the choices I have made with my doctors. Grateful I took the time to research and find out who would be able to give my the best chance of a cure. I was admitted to the hospital and had my first surgery just over a week and a half after my diagnosis. It was all so surreal.

Things are just starting to sink in now. I have been home for about a week from the hospital after being in for a day shy of two weeks. Those two weeks went by so fast and I wasn't ready to come home until the day I left. Life is real now. While laying in the hospital it's easier to think of your life and your family when you know they are okay and taken care of. It's so much harder to be home now and to not be myself. I can't do the things I did before. Just Saturday we had a great day as a family touring the city and going to the famous Fremantle prison. I was worn out after and I didn't even do anything.... someone else pushed porter in the stroller because I can't, someone else held him when he wanted to be held because I can't, someone else changed his diaper and chased him around. Even though someone else did all the things I was used to doing I was the tired one. I was the one who had to come home and rest. It's all so real now, I've spent the last two days in my recliner. My last drain has been sitting on nerves so it hurts to move. I had Joe cut the stitch that was holding it in last night and that relieved a little of the pressure and pain, but it's still there. I now have to be very careful because it's being held in by two bandages.

The more I sit here and think the more scared I become about what I have ahead of me. I know it's going to be a long road and it's going to be hard, but I think it's just starting to hit me. I have time to think and research and read other peoples experiences through all this. I just pray that I can handle chemo well. I want to be a  part of my kids lives. I took things for granted before, I hated doing laundry and cleaning my house, and that's what I want to be doing now. I watch my mom (I could not do any of this with out her and am beyond grateful she is here) do everything I used to and I ache to take my kids out to the park and run with them. It's their school holiday (like spring break) and my sweet boys are watching their mom sit in a recliner. They are so sweet and so concerned about me that the hugs they give me are so soft I can barely feel them. I'll tell them they can squeeze tighter and they get excited and say okay mom, I just didn't want to hurt you.... I don't want them to be worried about that. I tell them how sorry I am that I'm not out there playing with them and taking them to do fun things. They are the most understanding little boys I have ever seen. I love them so much my heart could burst. I hope they know how much I love them and how much I want to be there with them. I pray every day that I can be cured of this terrible disease and get back to the mom I was.

I have faith I will be okay and I will get through this. It's just hard to keep perspective all the time. It's hard to stay positive all the time. I try, but it's not easy.

xoxo,
Tori