Perspective

I feel a little bit like I am not myself anymore. This whole process has already changed me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm still me, but a different me. I feel sometimes like I'm walking through cloud and other times like my perspective is so much clearer.

Yesterday when I was in the doctors office and the nurse was changing the bandages, I felt like I wasn't looking at me. This wasn't me and it wasn't my life. When I looked at the scars on my back and the scars on my front I cringed and feel like this wasn't my body, like I was for sure looking at someone else.

When I feel the port that will eventually deliver my chemotherapy it freaks me out. I can barely touch it and it is now a part of me. There is a foreign object under my skin and it feels so strange. I know my scars are going to heal and get better and eventually they won't be as noticeable, but I can't get used to the fact that they are now a part of me. Something I will always have to remind me of this time in my life.

When I read others stories or think about my treatment plan or I sit on the phone making more appointments and talking to insurance company about what's covered, I'm just going through the motions. I think to myself over and over again, Is this real? Is this really my life? It's like I'm walking through a cloud.

Then there are moments like tonight as I got my boys ready for bed, that things seem so clear. How strong my love is for those sweet boys and the connection we have with each other. HowI could stare at each one of them for hours and not be bored. How I could listen to their stories and thoughts and try to tell them how much I love them without really being able to explain to them the extent of what I feel.

When I am outside and I feel the sun on my face and the beauty all around me, I feel like things are moving so clearly in slow motion.Things that mattered to me before don't really seem to matter to me anymore. It's crazy.

I find clarity in the moments that make me appreciate my life and all the many blessings I have. I am able to find more beauty in the little things. These moments help me to see and to understand that there is a plan for me and I am going to be able to overcome this trial I have been given and be better because of it.

I know it's going to be hard and Joe and I keep talking about how important it is for me to realize that all of this is going to be temporary. Feeling terrible through chemotherapy is going to be temporary. Our bodies are amazing and I know I will be able to bounce back and I just pray I can remember that when I am in the midst of it all.