Finished with the hard stuff!

It’s been a long time! Even though it’s been awhile, the time has gone by so fast for me. I feel like I was wanting to blog and write about what I was going through when things were hard. Now that things are better, I am wanting to focus on living my life instead of writing about this crazy journey I have been on. I’ll go back and explain what’s been going on since July.

My last 3 chemo treatments were harder on my emotionally than they were physically. I really breezed through them with out too many side effects, only about 5-6 days of feeling yucky and then I was able to pick back up and get back to normal. The emotional roller coaster I was on was another story. I was seriously a mess and had a really hard time being around anyone. Sorry for all that were or weren’t ;) around me when I went to the US for a visit in July. It was so crazy hard for me to go back to my old “normal” life and see everyone living and doing all the things they used to do. As much as I love you all, it was just way too hard! I was actually relieved to come back to Australia so I could finish out my treatments away from everything. I truly feel it’s been a blessing for us to be here through all this. It’s been my hideaway and I’ve really liked it that way. Being the center of attention for me is the worst, especially when I was sick!!!! 

I finished chemo on August 20 and I honestly feel like my last chemo was my easiest one. I was so ready to be done and over it that I didn’t really let it get me down. After chemo my next step was deciding if I was going to do radiation or not. It was a hard decision, but I decided it was better to look back and say I did everything I could do and I am so glad I decided to do it. I started on September 22. The treatment plan was to go in every day (Mon-Fri) for 5 weeks. I went in the week before and got 3 tattoos so they were able to line the machine up properly each time I went in for treatment. Treatments were super easy. I would go in, change into a gown and then lie down on the machine. The actual treatment only lasts around 5 minutes. My last treatment is tomorrow and my skin has held up perfectly. I’m shocked and the lack of side effects I have had. I feel so lucky! 

I continue to go into the hospital every 3 weeks to receive Herceptin (a targeted drug because my cancer was HER2+). I'll be doing this until next May. There aren’t any side effects from it, so it’s easy. I also started taking a drug called tamoxifin that I have to take for at least the next 5 years because the cancer was hormone positive. I have read some crazy stories about this pill, people call it some crazy names… so far so good though (I’ve been on it about a month and a half) and have had no side effects. Again, feeling lucky. 

My hair is starting to grow back and right now I look like I have a buzz cut…. I’ll post a picture soon. I think my hair has been the most frustrating thing! I want my long hair back so badly.  I miss just throwing it up into a top knot and feeling feminine. I feel like I look like such a dude. 

Although this crazy journey is still going on, I’m putting it as far behind me as I can. I really am feeling amazing and all my energy is coming back. I am so grateful for everyone who has helped me through this journey and prayed for me and my family. We are forever grateful for your prayers and have truly felt them. I’m feeling like there is life after cancer and I’m ready to live it. I have been keeping super busy and enjoying these kids of mine more than ever. They truly are such sweet boys and I feel so lucky to be their mom. My sweet husband has been such a rock for me through all of this, he never for one second allowed me to think that I wasn’t going to be okay. He constantly reassured me every time I worried or felt like I wasn’t going to get better. 

As far as getting back to you if you have e-mailed or messaged me… so sorry if I didn’t get back  to you. Please try again and I promise I will respond. 

xoxo,

Tori

Treatments 2 and 3

I just took a minute yesterday to read back through with I've already blogged about and the experiences I've had and I am super shocked to read all I've been through. It surprises me how many of the emotions and feelings I've had were short lived and how time has already healed.

Not much has really happened since my last post, we are just soaking up the good weeks and loving spending time together as a family. The boys are doing great in school and have been such big helpers through everything. It's now winter here in Perth so we have had quite a few rainy and cold days, but one thing that comes out almost every day is the sun. It has been amazing to me to watch a massive storm roll in and then buckets of rain will fall and then minutes later the sun is shining. In some ways this is just like my life right now, I'm learning the sun alway will shine again and all we can to is be patient and wait for the storm to pass.

My hair started falling out about two weeks after my first treatment. It would only come out if I ran my fingers through my hair, so it wasn't that bad.... I noticed it really thinning on top so the night before my second treatment I had the boys take scissors to my hair and then Joe buzzed the rest. I really wanted to keep them involved with the whole process so they weren't terrified of me when they woke up in the morning. Their reactions were priceless and I don't think any little boy ever thinks they will be told to go ahead and cut mom's hair. Tate was very into it and Max took a little of a back seat kind of leaving the room and saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to see what was going on. All in all I totally miss my hair, but as long as I don't look at myself in the mirror without something on my head it's fine. I didn't feel sad about it, just like this was the next step.

The day after the big cut, I had my second chemo treatment. Everything went smoothly until after. There was a crazy mix up with insurance that we are still trying to sort out. This was the hardest part of the second treatment. I felt super upset, helpless, misinformed, angry ... a million things. 24 hours after treatment Joe gave me a neulesta shot to keep my white blood cell count up. This shot made me tired, but definitely helped with the side effects of chemo and helped me bounce back. Looking back and after speaking to my oncologist, the nausea medicine I was taking was just making me sleep instead of keeping the nausea at bay. I didn't really eat or drink for most of the week, I just slept and when I was awake I felt nauseous. The time line for this treatment was Wednesday, Chemo.. Thursday, frustrated and tired, but doing fine have shot and got to bed. Friday fine until about lunch time then rested. Saturday seriously slept all day (probably 20+ hrs) Sunday slept all day (20+ hrs) Monday slept quite a bit  Tuesday I started to feel a little better and took a nap, but just rested and Wednesday afternoon I was able to pick the boys up from school and things just got better from there. My energy came right back and I felt back to normal. I've learned to really enjoy the two weeks I'm better and maximize what I can do. So far I feel like everything is totally fine when I'm feeling good.

This past Friday I went in for my third treatment. I can't tell you how good it feels to say I'm halfway done! Everything went as expected on Friday, no reactions and the treatments actually go by quickly about 3 hours total. Saturday I did the usual routine and made the kids breakfast and cleaned the house, I was feeling okay but didn't want to push it so we kinda hung out at home all day. I took a nap in the afternoon then we headed to a ward activity. It was fun to be there with the family. I was tired by the end so I went right to bed when I got home. I'm so grateful we changed my nausea medicine... I've actually been able to kind of eat throughout this treatment and it's kept my energy up. I haven't felt the need to sleep all day. I have felt worn out, but nothing like last time. The nausea is under control, I just lack my usual energy. When I wake up I feel like my body weighs a million pounds so it's hard to get up. It's already Wednesday and I can feel myself coming out of it which is so nice. If things don't get worse, I think this treatment will be the easiest one I've had so far.

As far as my spirits, they are up. I know after surgery and even until after my first round of chemo, I was struggling. I feel like I have so much support around the world and the charity and generosity of others is unbelievable. I'm learning so much through all this and really learning to appreciate being healthy. I can't believe how I took it for granted. To live a life of health is such a blessing you really don't even understand until you are sick. To have to schedule your life around dr's appointments and hospitals is no small feat and then on top of it to feel unwell yourself it's no fun. The next 10 months are going to be long, but I know I'm being blessed through all this. 

 My latest look

 Porters favorite thing is to take my scarf or beanie off my head, fine at home, but not so funny when we are out.....

 Tate at the school lap a thon. He ran the entire time and ended up with 27 laps. Max only stopped running so he could jog a lap with Porter, it was the cutest! He ended up with 35, but tells me if he didn't run with Port he would have had 40. I made the mistake of pledging per lap because Max told me he could only run about 10.... Needless to say each time they ran around it was $3, whoops

Max after his school cross country meet. All the year two boys compete in a race and Max had a blast. His big boy teeth are finally coming in and it's so hard for me to get used to. As much as I want time right now to go by fast, I don't want these boys of mine to grow up. 

2nd and 3rd weeks after round 1

It's been awhile since I've posted only because things have been great. There really hasn't been much to post about other than the day to day life of a mom. After about Thursday the 15th I really started to feel like myself again. By Saturday I was eating better and able to really get out and continue life as normal. I spent all last week enjoying time with friends, walking almost every day along the beach, and being a mom to my boys and a wife to my sweet husband. 

I did start noticing my hair falling out more than usual last Thursday.... that's been interesting. I was walking with some friends and we were talking about if I've noticed any changes in my hair. I said no and then decided to try running my fingers through my hair, big mistake, a lot more than normal came out and each day there has been more and more. My scalp hurts when I touch it and especially when I lie down to sleep. It feels like I've had my hair in a tight ponytail all day. Sleeping was hard last night and I'm noticing my hair is just getting thinner and thinner. I'm not sure how much longer it's going to last, so below is one of the last pictures I'm going to have hair in. I just felt like I needed to document it. I've asked Max and Tate to shave their heads with me, and I laugh as I write this thinking back to Max's reaction. He seriously will NOT do it. He says he likes his hair too much. Hilarious. Tate is completely ready whenever I am, so I'm glad one of my boys is willing to do it with me. (I didn't give Porter the option, I like his blonde hair too much!)

We had a great time tonight celebrating sweet Porters 2nd birthday. He is such a sweet little toddler. I really think he was sent to me straight from heaven with the sweetest disposition. He brings us so much joy and is literally the easiest boy. He never gets into anything and is content just being home playing with toys or watching a movie. He is the snuggliest little guy and when he's tired or needs a nap he asks to go to bed. He still takes 3 hour naps! He really is too good to be true, but Heavenly Father knew I needed this little guy and I am so grateful.

Well life is good and I feel ready for my second treatment on Wednesday. I feel like I was in a little bit of a funk before and a little while after my first treatment. I wasn't really myself. Even looking back on the posts I've written, I'm glad I have them to refer to, but I'm grateful to feel how I feel now. This is going to be a roller coaster ride, but if I can remember whenever I'm down that I'll climb right back up then that will keep me going. 

Days are slow, but life is good

It's now been almost a week since my first treatment. I am tired and I'm not able to eat much. Only really bland foods (cereal, bread, bananas) I'm trying my best to keep drinking fluids, which has been hard and eat anything that sounds good to me. 

Thursday and Friday were the easiest and then the nausea started to get worse Saturday. I had plans to take my sweet mom out for lunch, a pedicure and then to the ward play on Saturday, but we only got to get a pedicure and ran into the grocery store. I was so exhausted. Once we got home and were going to head to the play I couldn't get off the couch to get anything done. I went right to sleep and taking a nap helped. I was able to go with Joe to a birthday party for a friend of Tates and then I even made it out to dinner and a movie with Joe and some friends. 

Sunday was the best mothers day ever. I can't even explain how special my boys made it for me. I love them all so much! Max and Tate were so excited and had their gifts wrapped and ready for when I came downstairs. Tate was first and he made me a beautiful fan and a necklace with stones he painted. Max made me the cutest flower magnet for my fridge and he wrote me a poem. Joe went above and beyond and got me a "mum" mug and a jacket and he organized with a friend of mine to have her make me a beautiful quilt. It's seriously amazing! Thank you Becca:) My mom even got me a darling little tea set that I absolutely love. We headed off to church and since I wasn't feeling well (nausea) I took my first backup nausea pill. It made me tired. I was going to try to stay for all of church, but ended up only making it though sacrament meeting. Porter was having a day and I didn't really have any energy, so my mom and I came home and put him down for a nap. I was able to nap a little and when Joe got home, I was feeling a little down. It was so nice to have him come home and snuggle me while I cried. I'm telling you I am a rollercoaster of emotions right now, one minute I'm fine, the next I'm a mess. Once I got it all out, I felt better so we took the boys on a drive out to Caversham park for a play and to explore. It was a nice afternoon, but again it wore me out and I fell asleep on the drive home and had to rest when we got home while Joe and my mom made dinner. It really was a great day and I have my mom and my sweet husband and my sweet boys to thank for that. 

Monday morning I was feeling sick again and took another backup medicine. I think I've realized that if I am able to eat right when I get up it makes it more bearable (morning sickness). I was able to get ready and take porter on a walk which was nice. I had a dr appointment in the afternoon so Joe came home early and I had to pick the boys up early from school. We took them down so they could play at the park across from the hospital with the huge slide. It started raining like crazy so that was short lived, but it was nice to be together. 

Today has been probably my hardest day so far. I've felt the most nauseous today. I woke up and had good intentions of making the kids pancakes and getting their lunches together. I made the mix and put one pancake on and then I couldn't do it... thank heavens my mom is here. She took right over and got the kids out the door. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with out her, I'm a little nervous about taking over completely. 

I honestly think the hardest part of all of this so far hasn't been the side effects from chemo. It's the emotional side effects. I'm either up or down... it's been hard to stay even and normal. It's hard to look past the next few months and keep perspective on how fast time goes by. The days are moving so slowly and I am trying my best to enjoy each moment I feel good with my kids. I have slowed way down and I know I'm learning so much about myself and about what's important to me. I love talking and hearing from all my friends and family. Your words and encouragement mean the world to me. I'm trying my best to respond to each of you, but know if for some reason I haven't gotten back to you I have appreciated it and it has helped bring a smile to my face or helped answer a prayer. 

xoxo,

Tori

One down

Today was a big day and the lead up to it was full of anxiety for me. It couldn't have gone smoother though.

Joe and I dropped the older boys off at school and headed straight to the hospital to meet with my oncologist. I will continue to meet with her every 3rd week before my treatments. She gave me 3 different back up medicines for nausea (to use after my treatment) and told me not to hesitate to use any/all of them if I'm feeling any nausea. In the week leading up to my treatment I had to do a blood test and a heart echo. She told me both came back good, I'm just a little vitamin D deficient so I have to go on a supplement. No big deal really. She's pretty amazing and when we said goodbye to her to head off to chemo she told me I would do great. I don't know why that was so reassuring to me, but it helped me feel super positive about everything. 

Joe and I then headed down to the pharmacy so they could fill my drugs and send them over to the hospital (which is next door). Ironically when I checked in for chemo I was admitted to the last room I was in when I was at the hospital for my prior surgery. Yes, you read that right, I got my own hospital room to sit in while the chemo was administered. This made it so much nicer and easier. I was really able to rest, watch tv, and visit with Joe, my mom and a friend who came in to see me. The nurses told me I can request a room every time since my treatments every week will be 3+ hrs with the chemo combo I'm being given TCH. I'm super happy about that! The actual chemo room is small and cramped and I would be the youngest one in there by years. Not fun.

Once in the room they accessed my port by inserting a huge needle. It hurt so bad! The nurse ended up giving me numbing some cream I will be able to put on before they access it next time. Getting that port accessed was literally the worst part. The nurse then started my series of drugs with an antihistamine. Next went herceptin for 90 minutes. This first treatment will be my longest herceptin treatment, from here they go down to 30 minutes every 3 weeks. I was told I could get chills with this one, I didn't. While the herceptin was being administered I had extreme restlessness and was kinda freaking out. I wanted to pull out my port and was super annoyed. When I asked the nurse what was going on she said it was from the first antihistamine and some people can react the way I was. She told me to see if we can change up that drug next time. I think I will. I was freaking out for a good 1/2 hour.

Next was my first actual chemo drug and they had to start this one out slowly. It's the one people most commonly react to. I was told to look for back pain and redness/flushing and fever. Luckily I had none. There is a possibility that I could still react next time, but I don't think I will. My third drug was easy and went quickly. After my third drug they flushed my port, took out the needle and sent me on my way. Super easy and luckily I felt the same leaving the hospital as I did going in.

It was a long day. We arrived at the hospital at 9:40 am and didn't leave until 5:30 pm. Poor Joe didn't eat lunch while we were there, so we decided to head to dinner after. We tried a new place near the hospital called the Varsity which was the most american food I have ever had in Perth. It was super yum. They even had all our american sodas including rootbeer, cherry coke, dr. pepper and hawaiian punch (this is pretty much a huge deal for us) and they served them with a TON of ice. I felt right at home and it helped with the homesickness I've been feeling. 

I do feel like am one lucky girl and feel so grateful to have such a wonderful supportive man at my side through all this. He truly inspires me and makes me know I can do this and I will get through it and be okay. One more person I could not have made it through the past 5 weeks without is my sweet mom. She has been here and has been my cook, cleaning lady, babysitter, driver, and most of all my friend. I love her and am so happy I get to spend this mothers day with her. It's the best gift I could get for mothers day, having her here. 

I truly feel all of the prayers that are being said in my behalf. It's one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. The power of prayer is real and a friend of mine just sent me an email I just have to share what she wrote because I know it is true she said "The beauty is the influence of prayer is not restricted by geography, time zones, income, or public image and knowledge." Thank you Jen! You inspire me every day. The power of prayer has reached me and I know it's real so thank you for all your prayers. They mean the world to me and lift me up and inspire me. I have faith I will be healed and I will be okay. It may not be easy, but I know it will be worth it. 

Thanks for sending this to me Georgia. I love it!

This is real

These past few days have been hard. I have found myself getting down and feeling very emotional when I think about my life before cancer. I yearn for it. I miss home and my life before. I struggle when I think about what the near future holds for me, what to expect, how am I going to get through it. 

Lately I've had interesting thoughts, emotions and feelings as I look through Instagram and Facebook. Something I used to and still love to do has become harder and more painful to me. It makes me miss my family and my friends like crazy. It also makes me feel a little jealous and unsettled, everyones lives seem perfect. I know this isn't true and everyone has their own struggles, but its sometimes hard to keep perspective. The ability to see the good in others lives is so much easier than seeing the good in our own especially over social media. I'm trying to focus on seeing all the good in my life. I have been truly blessed and no cancer diagnosis is going to take that away from me. I have a wonderful life and I want to be able to be grateful and remember that through all of this. 

Everyone has their days where life is going to suck and be hard and get you down, but the important thing in those moments is to not shrink. I keep trying to remind myself this. I just finished reading an excerpt from Elder Bednars new book where he talks about Elder Maxwells battle with cancer. He says.... In his October 1997 general conference message, Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own . . . trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not . . . shrink’—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.” (Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ,’” 22).

It's all going to become a reality this week. Chemo starts Wednesday. This is my life right now and I'm struggling with being okay with it. It's hard. It's hard to think about my life before all this. I pray I can be like Elder Maxwell and not shrink. I pray I can learn from this trial I have been given because learning and growing will make it all okay.

xoxo,
Tori

It was a good day

Today we set out to go to 2 different Dr. appointments with the 3 boys in tow. I made the appointments under the impression Max and Tate would be back in school, but it turns out they had an extra day of school holidays. I was so grateful they did. I wasn't ready to send them back. I had a pretty emotional Sunday and still wanted to spend time with my boys before school started up. 

Going to church for the first time since my surgery was harder than I thought it would be. The entire time I was sitting in sacrament meeting, all I could think about was everyone feeling sorry for me. I know I was just being silly, but it's seemed so real in my head when I was conjuring it all up while sitting there. Just as the meeting was coming to a close Porter started to get a little antsy so I quickly told Joe I would take him outside and to meet me at the car.... I guess it was basically to avoid talking to anyone. Then Joe left around 12 that afternoon for a work trip. It hit me how much that guy means to me. I was having separation anxiety with him going for the first time in a long time. I need him and I feel so lucky I have him. It was a hard day for me, I was thinking about the next few months and getting overwhelmed with what's to come. I'm one of those people who thinks their life is in shambles after dark when they can't sleep, this is the feeling I had the entire day..... I knew if I could make it until this morning everything would be okay, and guess what, it was even better than I could have thought. 

I arrived early to my first appointment so I decided to walk across the hall to get my blood work taken (I have to do this before I start my chemo). That was easy. Then onto my physical therapist. She's amazing and calmed all my fears of lympedema. I'm healing normally and she says my range of motion is getting back to normal. I still can't lift more than 5 kilos for 2 1/2 weeks on my right arm and 3 1/2 weeks on my left arm. She gave me this crazy compression garment I have to wear 4-6 hrs per day so the fluid will stop building up in my back. It's ugly. 

We then drove around a little, took the boys to lunch and made it back to the hospital just in time for my appointment with my plastic surgeon. He says I'm healing well, and I agree with him. I'm very surprised at the results of everything already. He also gave me the go ahead to drive, this made me so happy. He drained some fluid from my back and took off all my tape. Then he asked if I wanted to be blown up (a fill of my expander implants) of course I said yes and watched as my boobs grew before my eyes. Pretty cool! He put 100 cc of saline in each side. It was super easy and painless, now it's a little tight, but manageable. 

While I was in my appointment, my mom was supposed to be taking the boys to the park across the street. I went outside though and they were no where to be found. After walking around for about 15 minutes I finally see my car come around the corner.... I guess my mom got stuck driving and couldn't get back to where she wanted to go because of a bunch of one way streets. It turned out to be a good thing for me though and I think it was supposed to happen like that so I could go play at the park with her and the boys.  The sun was finally out and it was a pretty awesome park with a hill top slide (maybe 100 feet down the hill) The boys were in heaven and it was so fun to listen to their laughter and to watch them enjoy being little boys. My mom even got in on the action and went down on the slide with them quite a few times. I love being a mom and these boys make my life better. They make me better and they make me know everything is going to be okay. 

Perspective

I feel a little bit like I am not myself anymore. This whole process has already changed me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm still me, but a different me. I feel sometimes like I'm walking through cloud and other times like my perspective is so much clearer.

Yesterday when I was in the doctors office and the nurse was changing the bandages, I felt like I wasn't looking at me. This wasn't me and it wasn't my life. When I looked at the scars on my back and the scars on my front I cringed and feel like this wasn't my body, like I was for sure looking at someone else.

When I feel the port that will eventually deliver my chemotherapy it freaks me out. I can barely touch it and it is now a part of me. There is a foreign object under my skin and it feels so strange. I know my scars are going to heal and get better and eventually they won't be as noticeable, but I can't get used to the fact that they are now a part of me. Something I will always have to remind me of this time in my life.

When I read others stories or think about my treatment plan or I sit on the phone making more appointments and talking to insurance company about what's covered, I'm just going through the motions. I think to myself over and over again, Is this real? Is this really my life? It's like I'm walking through a cloud.

Then there are moments like tonight as I got my boys ready for bed, that things seem so clear. How strong my love is for those sweet boys and the connection we have with each other. HowI could stare at each one of them for hours and not be bored. How I could listen to their stories and thoughts and try to tell them how much I love them without really being able to explain to them the extent of what I feel.

When I am outside and I feel the sun on my face and the beauty all around me, I feel like things are moving so clearly in slow motion.Things that mattered to me before don't really seem to matter to me anymore. It's crazy.

I find clarity in the moments that make me appreciate my life and all the many blessings I have. I am able to find more beauty in the little things. These moments help me to see and to understand that there is a plan for me and I am going to be able to overcome this trial I have been given and be better because of it.

I know it's going to be hard and Joe and I keep talking about how important it is for me to realize that all of this is going to be temporary. Feeling terrible through chemotherapy is going to be temporary. Our bodies are amazing and I know I will be able to bounce back and I just pray I can remember that when I am in the midst of it all.

Silly kids

Joe says I need to post more pictures on here. He made me realize I haven't been taking very many pictuers, these are two my mom took when she and my dad took the boys to hold Koalas at Cohunu Koala Park. They both made my day when I saw them, so I thought I would share. 

The next step...

Lets start by saying this. I love my oncologist. She is pretty amazing and has been involved with countless clinical trials. She knows her stuff and she made me, Joe and my parents feel so confident in my treatment. She's one busy lady. Her office was packed and she was running over an hour behind today. Once we finally got into see her, you would never know there were 5 more women in the waiting room that were already an hour past their appointment time. She made us feel like we could take all the time in the world and ask as many questions as we needed. We didn't feel rushed at all. She walked me right through her plan for me and explained why she chose each treatment. I feel completely comfortable with it all.

So here goes, I'm going to start Chemotherapy May 7. The type of chemo is called TCH: Docetaxel (T), Carboplatin (C) and Trastuzumab (H). The chemo portion of my treatment will be given in 6 cycles over 18 weeks. I will also start the drug Herceptin which specifically will target the HER2 positive part of my cancer. The Herceptin will be given along with my chemo every 3 weeks, but continuing on over the next 12 months. Luckily the Herceptin has minimal side effects, the only real side effects (having to do with my heart) will be lessened because I am being given a chemo treatment that is less likely to cause heart damage.

From what I understand, if I were to do nothing from this point forward (have a mastectomy with no treatment) the likeliness of my cancer returning is around 40%. If I add in chemotherapy/herceptin that number goes down to about 10%, then I add in my hormone therapy that I will need after all of this that number goes down to around 7-8%. This is still with out radiotherapy which is being recommended, but I need more numbers and more information before I go forward with it. I want my best chance of a cure, but I also don't want to put my body through more than it needs to go through.

The way it was all laid out for me made me feel like it's going to be hard, but it's going to be doable. She told me I can still be around my kids (I was worried about getting sick) she told me I don't have to worry about the kinds of sickness they will be getting. She said I can still travel (as long as I do it after my first 2 rounds of chemo so we will know how I'm responding) and I can still do all the things I was doing before. She said it's actually better for me to do all the things I was doing before. She said I will need help because I will be tired. What I took from it is to try to do as much as I am able. Basically if I can do it, then I need to do it. I think part of this is for my sanity as well. The more normal I can make my life, the less depressing it will be through all this. I'm hoping that with her telling me and me feeling like I'm going to be able to do things that I'm not setting myself up... I really hope I can handle it all well. I think I can, but you really never know and everyone reacts so differently to chemo. With chemo, you get very forgetful something that can be called "chemo brain" or "chemo fog" in order to help this not be so bad, she told me keep my mind busy. To do puzzles, read, have Joe quiz me on things to keep my brain active. An example she gave was to make a grocery list then try to memorize the first 8 items on it, then to take it to the store and try to get the memorized items first without looking at the list. Not sure I could even do that now....

As I left there today, the only thought I really had it it's all going to be okay. I feel comforted for some reason and I feel like I can do this. I can do hard things. I feel grateful in some ways because it could have been so much worse. She told me I had early breast cancer (I'm stage 2 grade 2) and most women who are my age when they are diagnosed they are already at a grade 3. That right there makes me feel so blessed. Again I feel like I'm going to be okay. For some reason I feel the need to reassure people of this. Now, I'm starting to think more along the lines of what am I learning from this and how can I become better or help others because of this trial I was given. I definitely have moments when I'm down, but I know if I push through and ultimately can come out a better person then it will all be okay.

xoxo,

Tori

Goodbye forever

The last few weeks the first thing I do when I wake up is I check the levels of my drain or drains. I knew if the output was below 30mL then there's a good chance I would be getting them out.

Early last week I had my second to last one removed and I thought for sure I would have my last one removed at an appointment I had later that week. I was wrong, my last drain was still in after that appointment, through the weekend and into this week. This weekend it was terrible. It was still draining 70 mL every night and on Sunday night it was causing me so much pain I about pulled it out myself. I even went as far as to have Joe clip the stitch that was holding it in because it was so painful. That relieved a little bit of the pressure, but not all of it. After that stitch was out I had to be extra careful, we used my bandages to keep it in. 

Finally, I woke up today and it had only drained 25mL... it could tell it was going to be a great day! I was so excited I called the home care nurse first thing and made an appointment to have it taken out. 

Now I feel like a normal person with nothing to drag along wherever I go. My boys were the cutest. Max noticed right off because he heard me telling my friend about it. When my mom mentioned something to Tate about me not having my drain, his big eyes lit up and he was so excited, he said "Really, let me see Mom" in such an excited voice. We spent tonight snuggling together one boy on each side. Something we couldn't do before. The boys even fell asleep with me downstairs, I was loving it. They are getting so big, but having them want to be close to me is one of the best feelings in the world. I hope they never outgrow wanting to snuggle with me. I love them all so much.

xoxo,

Tori

Long road

After my diagnosis March 17, I didn't have much time to even think about what was to come. My main focus was on choosing the right doctors to remove the cancer from my body. I am so grateful  and happy with the choices I have made with my doctors. Grateful I took the time to research and find out who would be able to give my the best chance of a cure. I was admitted to the hospital and had my first surgery just over a week and a half after my diagnosis. It was all so surreal.

Things are just starting to sink in now. I have been home for about a week from the hospital after being in for a day shy of two weeks. Those two weeks went by so fast and I wasn't ready to come home until the day I left. Life is real now. While laying in the hospital it's easier to think of your life and your family when you know they are okay and taken care of. It's so much harder to be home now and to not be myself. I can't do the things I did before. Just Saturday we had a great day as a family touring the city and going to the famous Fremantle prison. I was worn out after and I didn't even do anything.... someone else pushed porter in the stroller because I can't, someone else held him when he wanted to be held because I can't, someone else changed his diaper and chased him around. Even though someone else did all the things I was used to doing I was the tired one. I was the one who had to come home and rest. It's all so real now, I've spent the last two days in my recliner. My last drain has been sitting on nerves so it hurts to move. I had Joe cut the stitch that was holding it in last night and that relieved a little of the pressure and pain, but it's still there. I now have to be very careful because it's being held in by two bandages.

The more I sit here and think the more scared I become about what I have ahead of me. I know it's going to be a long road and it's going to be hard, but I think it's just starting to hit me. I have time to think and research and read other peoples experiences through all this. I just pray that I can handle chemo well. I want to be a  part of my kids lives. I took things for granted before, I hated doing laundry and cleaning my house, and that's what I want to be doing now. I watch my mom (I could not do any of this with out her and am beyond grateful she is here) do everything I used to and I ache to take my kids out to the park and run with them. It's their school holiday (like spring break) and my sweet boys are watching their mom sit in a recliner. They are so sweet and so concerned about me that the hugs they give me are so soft I can barely feel them. I'll tell them they can squeeze tighter and they get excited and say okay mom, I just didn't want to hurt you.... I don't want them to be worried about that. I tell them how sorry I am that I'm not out there playing with them and taking them to do fun things. They are the most understanding little boys I have ever seen. I love them so much my heart could burst. I hope they know how much I love them and how much I want to be there with them. I pray every day that I can be cured of this terrible disease and get back to the mom I was.

I have faith I will be okay and I will get through this. It's just hard to keep perspective all the time. It's hard to stay positive all the time. I try, but it's not easy.

xoxo,
Tori

How the boys found out I have cancer

Something I feel the need to write down and document here is how the kids found out I had cancer. Joe and I were having a really hard time with when the best time was to tell them. We were putting things off to shelter them.

A little background on why we felt the need to shelter them... In February, as a family we traveled back to the US from Australia because we has received word that Joes mom was losing her year long battle with cancer. We knew we wanted to be there at this time to say our goodbyes and be with the family, so we hopped on a plane and endured the 25 hour flight to get there. We arrived just in time for a very emotional goodbye with her. She knew we were there and was still coherent enough to call us by name and to hold us in her arms so we could sob together. We miss her everyday and the last year as we watched he battle this terrible disease my boys were there watching too and asking questions. My boys watched their loving grandma go through chemo and lose her hair, they watched her slow down, they watched her go from being their active, gift giving, babysitting anytime, loving would do anything for them grandma to being weak and tired and finally to her laying there saying her sweet goodbyes to them. She was only 56 and in my opinion things just aren't supposed to happen like this. As a family this was one of the hardest things we had endured until now and she passed away only a month before my diagnosis. It was too fresh. 

This is the reason we felt we needed to be super careful about using the word cancer. My boys knew nothing about my cancer until about a week and a half after my diagnosis. All my doctors appointments were being made while they were at school. Max was the first to catch on that something wasn't right when I had to cancel a field trip I was supposed to go on with him for an appointment with my surgeon. How it works here and especially with the surgeons is they make the appointments for you and you are working around their surgical schedule and when they are in the office. The only time I could get in for my next appoinment was during the field trip. I was heartbroken. I had been looking forward to it and so was max. I had to tell him and he kept saying just change it mom, it was hard for him to understand why I couldn't and that made it harder for me. It's all I could think about. I felt terrible. Even dropping him off that day in his adorable olden day clothes, all I wanted to do was hop on that bus with him. He survived though. When u found out my surgery was April 1 and coming up quick joe and I explained to the boys I was having surgery (no mention of cancer) We talked about it quite often. The night before I went into the hospital as I was tucking the boys into bed I started explaining to them more of what was going to happen and what to expect. I told them I would leave for the hospital before they woke up and that I would go in for surgery to take something out of me chest that's making me sick. Max then asked if I would be able to talk when I woke up or if I would be like grandma. I explained I was going to be just fine and the differences in the situation. They then asked why grandma couldn't have surgery to make her better. I explained more of this to them. They told me how much they missed grandma. I told them I missed her so much too. After a short pause Tate speaks up and says to me Mom, I really wish you didn't have cancer. I was shocked, this little boy is 5 years old and through all of this figured it out. I was so grateful he did. For me it was a tender mercy that I didn't have to be the one to say those words to him. I went on to tell them both I wish I didn't have it either, and also explained that I'm going to be just fine. The doctors will take it out and treat it and mommy would get better.

I love these sweet tender hearted boys of mine and an so grateful for the plan of salvation and that families can be together forever. 

Xoxo,

Tori

My boys

I gain so much of my strength and positivity from my sweet boys. They make me keep going.

Tonight I was sitting with Max and he asked me what the hardest time in my life was. Before answering him, I tried to get a little more out of him about what he meant. He told me he thought the hardest time in my life was right now. I agreed with him and said this is the hardest trial I have ever had in my life. I explained that I would get better though and things would be okay. I told him it may seem like a really long time that I am like this, but that things are going to get better and that mommy isn't going anywhere. I also told him I love him and that even if I am sick, I will still be here for him and always ready to talk to him.

I decided this was a good lead up to see how he's doing with everything so I asked him what the hardest time in his life was. He told me it was right now because things were different. He said it's hard because I'm tired a lot and I can't do everything I did before. ... talk about heartbreaking, he was so sweet and so sincere about. I love him so much. He just gets it. It's so hard to see how this is effecting my boys. They are doing super well for the most part, but I can tell Max understands more than Tate and Porter. He's at an age where he is figuring out who he is and asking more questions about life. I just pray I can give them all enough love and I am able to calm their fears. I want their lives to be as normal as they possibly can while I go through all this.

On a lighter note, every time Tate sees me or comes and sits on my lap he very sweetly tells me my hair looks like a boy. He knows this isn't nice to say, but he can't help himself so he says things to go along with it like Mom, your eyebrows and eyes look like a girl, but your hair looks like a boy. Or coming up to me while I am painting my nails and saying ohhhh mom, your nails are soooo pretty, but your hair looks like a boy. What a sweetheart. He's trying to be nice about it at least. He is going to have another thing coming when my hair is all gone, not sure what he's going to tell me I look like then.... maybe Uncle Jevin or our friend Rick?

xoxo,
Tori

Everything will be okay

Today was great, I was finally able to tour around our beautiful city with my parents. We had the day kid free thanks to my good friend Eliza who is awesome. We ended up having a late breakfast at Voyage. Joe and I love this restaurant and every time we go we get Norma's Salsa. It's amazing, toasted ciabatta, poached egg, avocado, grilled tomatoes and the yummiest herbed feta.

Next, we toured around Subiaco a kind of a trendy suburb with a lot of restaurants and shops. My parents love to drive around so it was a perfect day for me to sit back and enjoy, I only wish I had brought a pillow. All the driving made me tired and a little uncomfortable.  

Then we headed into Cottesloe and they loved the beach there. When you come over the hill and the beach comes into view it's beautiful. One of my favorite things about living here is the views from the road. You can drive up and down miles of coastline and the crystal clear blue ocean is in view the entire time. 

As we drove up to Cottesloe I got a phone call from my doctor. I was anxiously awaiting his call and we had been playing phone tag all morning. I quickly picked up the phone and he explained to me what was discussed with the radiotherapist and the oncologist. He explained to me that they removed 23 lymph nodes during my second surgery and the pathology on those came back clear (meaning there was no cancer in them). This is fantastic news as this will lower my risk for reoccurrence. He went onto explain to me that I still had quite a few risk factors which are as follows...

Number one, my age. Since I'm so young the cancer has longer to come back in the same spot. 

Number two, I have no family history so no one knows why I got this. 

Number three, the size of the cancer. It was a multifocal cancer meaning the largest tumor they found was 18mm. With the way the pathology came back it leads them to believe it's all one intertwined connected tumor which would mean collectively it would be quite large maybe more like 65mm. 

Possible number 4, I'm not quite sure, but there was a little talk of the margins possibly being close in some parts?... not quite sure on that one. 

Because of all of these factors collectively they decided that my treatment plan will include Chemotherapy, Targeted therapy with Herceptin, Radiation, and then the hormone therapy for either 5-10 years. 

The only thing that I had a hard time hearing was that they feel strongly that I need radiation. I was super hopeful that I would be able to avoid having it. Radiation is just another thing to draw out my treatment and to take more of a toll on my body. I do feel so thankful for my doctors and the trust I have in them. They truly have my best interest at heart and are trying to give me the best chance of a cure.

After talking to Dr. Willsher, we headed to grab lunch at a yummy Thail place nearby and then to pick up the boys so I could make it to a doctor appointment.

Joe took me to my appointment at the hospital. It's about 20 minutes away without traffic. I'm glad it's not further, but we have already done this drive a ton of times and I know it's only beginning. My plastic surgeon Dr. Van Beem was out of town, so I met with his nurse. I went in thinking my last drain would be removed only to be told it had to stay in until the drainage goes down. For some reason it keeps draining quite a bit. Frustrating. So I continue to carry my pink bag with me everywhere I go. Then she looked at how I was healing. She removed all the bandages off my back, ouch, and replaced them with smaller strips. I had a little swelling where the muscle was removed from my back so she had to stick a huge needle and syringe into the swelling and drained over 55mL of fluid... double ouch! Then she took all my bandages off the front, I was pretty shocked and scared about what I saw. My boobs looked like something out of a horror movie, with staples holding them together. Seriously like 30 staples in the left breast and 15 in the right. I had to turn my head and close my eyes as she removed each one. She then placed thinner bandages over each incision to keep them together and aid in the healing process. It made me feel much better as the nurse reassured me that my end result will be amazing and that the staples will make the scars super thin and almost invisible with time. I have already been surprised and thankful for the advances in medicine and that I was able to wake up from surgery with breasts. I always thought a mastectomy meant a scar and nothing there. Things have really changed so much and they are able to do amazing things. Joe and I headed to the shops after this to grab a prescription and a few other things and then home to the family. We were so lucky to have a friend bring over dinner again tonight. It has been so nice to be able to spend time together with out the worry of what we are eating for dinner. 

I really feel through all of this that I am blessed. I have had such a great life full of joy. Things have been relatively easy for me and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for my wonderful family and friends that lift me up and keep me going. This year has already proven to be a hard one, but through it all I have developed deeper relationships with those I love. I have been able to grab ahold of what's important and hold it close. I feel like my senses are heightened and I am able to appreciate everyone and everything around me more than I did before. The one thing that at the end of the day makes me feel so much better is when I kneel to pray and feel the overwhelming love my heavenly father has for me. I know he knows exactly what I am going through, he knows my fears and is able to calm them. He is aware of me and I know because of this everything will be okay.

Short hair don't care

Photo booth was fun this morning taking pictures of my new hair. I've been asked quite a few times if  I like it and honestly all I keep thinking to myself is it's better than being bald... seriously just one step at a time. 

xoxo,

Tori

Great News

The doctor called with my results from the auxilla surgery where they removed the lymph nodes from under my arm. They were all cancer free!!!! Yay! I was so relieved. More news to come today. A little about my treatment plan. My doctors are meeting together and putting my case up for review. I'll find out in a few hours what they think. I'm ready for it and to move on to the next step.

Xoxo,

Tori

Sent from my iPhone

My first day home

Well, today was my first official day home from the hospital. It was exactly two weeks ago this morning that I headed into the hospital. I can't believe it's been that long. Porter is talking so much more now, he is getting so independent and he wants to explore with the older kids. Because I was gone for so long he doesn't really need me anymore, it makes me sad. He's warmed up to all of our friends and especially to his Mimi. Max and Tate are just thrilled to have me back and couldn't be sweeter. Max made Tate breakfast today and they both help me out a ton. If I needed something they would get if for me, if I had to get up, they would try their best to help me. They are super sensitive to me and try their hardest to be careful when they sit on my lap or give me hugs. They are the best little boys ever.

I am doing okay. It's been harder than I thought it would be to be home. Organizing meds, getting the rest I need, keeping my spirits up. Luckily I have so much help, my parents have been amazing. I couldn't do this with out my mom and dad here. My friend Eliza took my boys all day today, which was so nice. I was able to spend the morning resting in my nice new recliner Joe bought me right when we got home from the hospital. I absolutely love it! It's been so nice to have a place that is mine right in the middle of all the action. The boys can climb into my lap and snuggle me, even Porter knows how to get up to sit with me and then when I need a break they can get down. I'm still able to feel a part of everything without being stuck up in my room which would get lonely. 

I'm still struggling with sleeping so last night I slept maybe 3-4 hours. I'm not sure why, but the pain medicine keeps me up. I take my pain medicine and have a quick little low where I fall asleep then I wake up 1-2 hrs later and I feel like I just slept all night. It pretty much goes on like this the entire night and finally about 6:45 I decide it's easier to just get up. Luckily I'm able to get comfortable in my bed and I can't believe how much I missed it and sleeping next to my sweet husband. 

Daytime wasn't much better as far as sleep. I've never been much of a napper, but the medicine only makes calm, so I am able to rest and kind of zone out. The hospital sent me home with 2 drains so I have home care nurses who call every day to check in on me. After my nurse called and asked about my drains she decided I could have 1 of my 2 drains removed. She came to the house around 12:30 to take it out. It's amazing how nice it is to just have one drain left. I can't even imagine how I'm going to feel once they are all gone. After she left the house, we (my mom and dad and I) headed up to the shops to grab some easter goodies for the boys and the go to the market for groceries. I was not as strong as I though I would be. In fact I kept getting light headed while walking around from shop to shop. I even had the lady at the chemist tell me I didn't look well. I think I was a little pale and sick looking today. We got our errands done as quickly as we could because I waned to have time to rest before the bbq we were having. Joe invited some of our friends over for a sort of welcome home bbq for me. It was so nice to visit with everyone outside of the hospital. We are so blessed to have such great friends here. The bond and love I feel for them is hard to explain. They have been so amazing through all of this and I am so grateful. 

Another thing I've been dealing with through the last few days and it's progressively getting worse is the numbness/pins and needles feelings under the backside of my arm down to my elbow. I've never felt anything like it, the best way I can describe it is the shock you feel from putting a 9 volt battery on your tongue only its dispersed over the area of my arm. Very strange and I'm hoping and praying it goes away. I've been letting myself get down a little more the past couple days. This is hard, but I keep trying to remind myself I can do hard things. I can get through this and fight this. I know this trial I'm going through has been given to me by my Heavenly Father to make me stronger. 

Feels like I'm breaking out of jail

Today was the last day I spent in the hospital. It was also the first day I felt like leaving. I was scared to go home. The first part of my long journey towards a cure is now over. As happy as I am to be home I'm terrified of what comes next. Being in the hospital all I had to focus on was my recovery and managing my pain. My everyday life was put on hold while I was there. I was truly able to turn my children over to my husband, my mom and my dad. I feel so lucky that I did not have to worry about them for a second. Now that I'm home, my old life is taking place before me and all I can do is watch it go by. I feel so helpless. I wish I was the one fixing dinner and cleaning the kitchen. I want to go give my boys their bath and get their jammies on. I want to do everything I used to do and I can't. It's hard to think that our "normal" has changed. Me being able to do everything for my children is no more. All I can do is hope and pray is that this is temporary, and continue having faith that I will get well.

Still in the Hospital, Saturday, Sunday & Monday

Saturday April 12

Today I am grateful for modern medicine and for the opportunity I have had to stay this long in the hospital. I know in America I would have been sent home a few days after my first surgery, then I would have had to be re admitted for my second surgery. The fact I have been in Hospital this long has have given me a chance to heal emotionally and physically. I have had time to myself to pray and receive answers to my prayers. To feel comfort and love from my father in heaven.

I woke up Saturday morning exhausted. I don't know what is  going on, but I sleep a few hours at night and wake up for a few hours, then I will sleep a few hours more. Then when morning rolls around and the nurses come into open my curtains I feel like a teenager again when my mom or dad used to come in and open the blinds the get me up for the day. I spent the morning resting, in and out of reading, texting and sleep. I keep sending out random texts that I have fallen asleep in the middle of so they make sense in my head and I think i'm writing what I'm thinking, but I'm not at all.  Saturday evening my friends (Alex, Danielle, Eliza, Kristi, Marika and Georgia) came in and brought me Mexican food (the best you can get in perth...) and mini pavlovas (my absolute favorite dessert). We visited for a few hours and it was wonderful. I love and have felt so much support from my friends. I am so grateful for the church and the opportunity I have had to have an extended family here while living across the world. I truly believe the people we have met here were put into our lives for a reason. We have immediately felt a part of such a wonderful group of friends from the first week we arrived here in Perth. I don't think this is a coincidence. Heavenly Father was aware of our family and what our needs were going to be through this trial.

Sunday April 13

Today was again a very relaxing day. My pain is starting to subside a little so I have been able to go longer between doses of my pain medicine. I was able to  have one drain removed today, so that brings me down to 3 drains. It's so crazy when I get one out, they have become such a part of me that I can't describe how I feel as they are removed. I guess I the only word I can think of is relief maybe. Relief that my body is in fact healing from my surgery. This morning there was a knock on my door and it was our friend Rick. He came into check in on me and to visit. We sat and talked for over an hour and he really opened my eyes and made me realize the hand of the lord in us living here, thousands of miles away from our families while dealing with the hardest trial of our lives. So many have asked if/when we are going back to the US. The answer I have had for them every time is this is our home now. Although we know we aren't going to be here forever, we know we are meant to be here while we face this trial. Our support system here is in place and has been from the second we arrived.

Joe arrived shortly later to listen to conference with me. It was nice to see him and spend time with him. He's growing a beard now and I am loving it. He tell me he will shave it when I start loosing my hair. I'm not sure he will last that long, but we will see. My lifesavers, my parents arrived with the boys a few hours later. I am forever grateful to my parents. The boys have been able to stay completely in a routine and that's exactly what they needed. My mom asked Max if he's ready for her to go and he said no, then it will be lonely. I completely agree. I'm not ready for them to go. I wish I was able to spend time with them instead of sitting in the hospital. I love my parents so much, they are the best.

Monday April 14

I had a pretty good night sleep last night. I'm starting to wean myself off of my strong pain medicine. It's hard to know how much to take because I have been waiting until it was too late and then trying to catch the pain. As I woke up today I realized today was the day I wanted to go home. After talking with my doctor Friday I felt he was going to let me leave if I was ready. The only thing that was holding me back was my drains. I still had 3. I anxiously waited for the nurses to come in this morning to measure the drains to see if I would be getting any taken out. I didn't think the Dr would send me home with 3 drains, but I thought he would send me home with 2. Once they were measured I knew I was getting the last drain in my right side removed. I was so excited to get that drain out. It's the one that had caused me the most pain especially in the beginning. The rest of the day I kind of sat around waiting for the doctor. The nurses finally called him and he gave them the go ahead to let me go home, I was thrilled. The nurses taught Joe how to change my drains and filled me in on the home nurses that would be calling me daily and removing my drains once the draining slowed. The nurses will actually come to my house for my care of my drains. How amazing is this?! Joe and I had talked about how I needed my own reclining chair downstairs to keep me comfortable through my recovery and then through chemo. I would be able to be downstairs, be comfortable and still be a part of whats going on with the family. I would have struggled resting upstairs and hearing life pass me by. So we stopped on our way home and picked up the most comfortable recliner ever. I'm in love with it! It's good to be home, but it was definitely easier to be in the hospital.

My love

I love this man of mine, he's the best!

Middle of my hospital stay

Wednesday April 2 

Felt really good today Mom and Dad and Joe came in for most the day and we face timed some of the family and friends. Kids came in after school this afternoon and it was sooooo good to see them. Porter actually does better than I thought he would about having me around,  he still lets mom or dad take him from me and he waves goodbye. I was still pretty sore, but could tell my pain medicine was working 

Thursday April 3 

Got into my chair for the first time today. It felt good to be sitting out of bed and seeing the world from an upright position. AM nurses were great, getting me situated with things and allowing me to sit and visit while my friends were there (Alex and Eliza came) They were the sweetest and Alex brought me the softest Peter Alexander pjs and a magazine and Eliza brought be a bag full of goodies. It was so nice to see friends and chat with them about what was going on back home. It is a good thing that I didn't actually knock myself out while they were there. I was having such a love hate relationship with my pain pump due to the choice I had of when to push my button. My friends have been such a help through all of this with meals, my boys and my parents, I couldn’t have done it with out my friends. After the girls left, I was really trying to figure out if the pain pump was the was to go. It made me feel out of control with my pain because I could push the button a every 5 minutes for half hour and feel great so I would fall asleep and then I would get on the other end of the spectrum and wake up in a ton of pain because I hadn’t pushed the button. I was nervous for this to continue into the night and that I wouldn’t be able to rest and per my plastic surgeons suggestion we decided to remove the pain pump completely and start taking strictly oral pain meds. I feel like we were able to get them sorted in the beginning and we were able to control the nausea because they would regularly pump my portal vein with zofran and another anti nausea drug. It went on like this through the night and I actually had a much better sleep, but continued to wake up every 2 hrs for pain meds and anti nausea. 

Friday April 4 

I was still quite nauseated and a lot more sore when I woke up today. My parents arrived for a visit and I was struggling with my pain and struggling with my nurses attending to me which was hard. It has since been brought to my attention that the hospital is trying out a new schedule that runs with less nurses. I was in a ton of pain with the drains that were coming out of my back on the righ. They were sitting on a nerve and every time I moved it would send sharp shooting pains like I was being stabbed in my back. Of course my mom and dad don’t like seeing me like that especially 3 days post op when I should be getting better not worse. In the middle of all this sweet Danielle and Kristi show up with beautiful flowers and not expecting me in pain because Alex and Eliza had just told them how well I was going. It ended up being a short stay for the girls, which I felt bad about, I wanted nothing more than to be in no pain so I could have hung out with them. I can remember pushing my nurse button in a TON of pain and having no one come for 30+ minutes. It was horrible. My plastic surgeon came in at one point and was glad I was off the pain pump, but was wondering why the catheter wasn’t out and when I told him the problems I was having with the medication he said okay, lets switch your meds then. This changed my life for the time being. I went from being in pain and sick to not in pain and having nausea only every so often which we were assuming was oxy but figured out later it was actually a drug called tramidol. I have completely since cut that out. It also made my dreams soooo crazy and I would close my eyes and see things and be half asleep, but dreaming. Worst dream I had was a snake one where I found three snakes and they were out of control throwing themselves at y family and wrapping around the legs of them and constructing. Also another dream was waking up outdoors in my hospital bed in a wind tunnel tent type thing. strange. Joe arrived once things had finally calmed down and was able to spend quite a bit of time with me. It was so nice to have him here so I had the help. 

Saturday April 5 

Joe came in the AM after dropping my parents and the boys off to the Fremantle markets that go on Friday Saturday and Sunday. He stayed for about an hour, then went to grab the boys and my parents, they were supposed to come back, but ended up heading home. Early afternoon my mom was delivered to me by a carful of men. Joe, Dad, Rick, Adam, Jordan and Cody were all headed to the St Kilda vs West Coast Eagles footy match. My mom was able to spend the next 4+ hours with me. It was soooo nice to have her here, we talked about things, we napped, we talked some more. The time flew by way to fast and when the guys called to say the game was over and they were on their way to get mom, I was bummed. All the guys came up to visit for a minute and it was nice to see them. Funny thing I remember is when they walked in I was wearing these purple purse looking pillows the breast care nurses gave me, one on each aren to keep my arms off my incision. I laughed when I realized that and immediately took them off. We had a good little visit. 

Sunday April 6 

I spent my morning resting, Joe came in the early afternoon with the older boys. We played Uno and I lost. We went on a walk and ended up at the vending machine, It felt good to walk around with them and I think it helped them to see that mommy was still mommy and I could get up and move around even if I did have bags on my shoulders filled with drains that are filled with blood and gross stuff (which they actually think are cool). We ended up getting each boy a soda and settled them on the treats I had back here (I’ve been well taken care of by friends) The boys laid in my hospital bed and watched a show. They had a couple rolls with butter which is their go to when they arrive ,they tell me they are hungry straightaway and that they want a roll. I save them in my drawer. Rolls, butter and apple juice after my meals. You never know when my kids will come in and I need to be prepared so I can feed them. Mom and Dad arrived with Porter quite a bit later so it was fun to spend time with the older boys with out the distraction of a little toddler. Once Porter arrives, there’s a window of time that the kids can stay. Porter is so cute through all of this. He tries so hard to reach out to me so I can hold him and I know I won’t be able to hold him for at least 4 weeks, this has been one of the hardest things on me when they come in. I want to hold and cuddle and snuggle my sweet boy. I miss changing him and feeding him and taking care of him. Alex came by for a visit as my parents were leaving with the kids and it was so nice to have her there to chat with while we ate our dinner. This night was the hardest night sleep I have ever had. I was so backed up and could not go to the bathroom it was making me sick. This continued into morning. 

Monday April 7 

Joe arrived after my breakfast of All bran and prunes. Nothing seemed to be working for me as far as the bathroom was concerned. It was bad! After about 2 hours we got things under control and figured out what worked. The crazy thing about hospitals here is your can leave your hospital ward and walk around the hospital, go outside and walk around, grab lunch at the coffee shop in the building next door. So Joe and I headed downstairs and out the front of the hospital. It felt so good to be outside and to have the sun shine on me. We grabbed some lunch and it almost felt normal until I looked down at my bags and realized there were still 5 drains hanging out of my body. We headed back right after lunch because Joe said I had lost all the color in my face, I guess it was a hard outing?… Once back in the room it was time to wash my hair, I had been showering daily with plastic covering my drains and my wounds, but had not washed my hair. It had been almost a week of me putting it off and I was ready to have clean hair . As he was pulling out my clothes for after the shower and laying them out for me, making sure my drains were in the right spot, making sure I had a towel, doing everything in he could to make it as easy as possible on me, it hit me. We weren’t supposed to be doing this until we were in our 80’s and we were old and frail. Here we were 31 and my husband was having to shower me. Joe joked that even at 80 he thought I would be the one showering him not the other way around. The depth of my love for the man I married grew so much today. After this experience I have really tried to take a step back and put myself in his shoes and have tried to really understand what he has been through the past 2 months. It had been exactly 2 months since he had lost his mom to cancer, the same disease I now have. He has had trials put in his life that directly effect the two women he loves the most. I can’t even imagine what he is feeling. I find so much comfort in knowing we have the knowledge of eternal families and I know that we are going to be with his mom again. I know he does too, but I think when you are watching your loved ones in pain and suffering it makes it hard to keep perspective. 

Tuesday April 8 

At this point my pain was very well managed. I was finally feeling regular, and I just feeling like all I needed was to get these drains to stop draining so I would be able to go home. Danielle, Kristi and Eliza came in around 11 and brought me a big mac and fries. First meal I had dated outside of the hospital food and it was heaven… i don’t even like McDonalds, but it sounded soooo good. While they were here Dr. Willsher showed up with my Pathology report on the cancer (see separate post for details on that) and basically told me the cancer had spread to one of the sentinal nodes so I would need to have my left auxiliary lymph nodes removed. He was scheduling the surgery  for the following day and I was to wait for his nurse to let me know the time. He spent a good amount of time with me going over everything, and I was surprisingly okay to have the surgery. I think at this point I’m feeling like all I want is my best cure so I’ll to whatever it takes so I can be here for my husband and my 3 sweet babies. After he left I called Joe and explained everything to him. He seemed concerned, but okay. He headed straight over to the hospital to be here with me. It was just so hard to go backwards into recovery and into my treatment. I got off the phone with Joe and headed into the lounge where the girls were waiting. We had a good talk about it all and I felt really good about 

Wednesday April 9 

So I woke up this morning and was only able to have a light breakfast since my surgery was at 2 pm. The nurses were extra stressed today and not helpful at all. It was very frustrating. The anesthesiologist told me I could drink clear fluids (water) until 10 am and I had been waiting for the nurse to come back to help me with my gown and to get me water finally I looked at my clock and it was 9:55 and I was so thirsty, the nurse was so annoyed when she came in and didn't understand why I was in such dire need of water she finally got it after I explained. Joe came in a few hours before surgery and we kinda just hung out. I was super calm when they came to wheel me into surgery and even when I went into the operating room. I couldn’t get onto the table this time by myself so they had to get a sheet to move me from my bed to the table. The anesthesiologist seemed to really address my concerns with the anesthesia, I didn’t want to feel nauseous when I woke up and I was really worried about being backed up again, that was terrible… I woke up after surgery in the post op room and just remember asking for water and chapstick and feeling better once I got it. They wheeled me back to my room and I was still pretty out of it. Once I started coming to, my mom, dad and Joe were there. I guess I was super chatty and couldn’t stop talking. Funny thing is there have been a few things since that night that have happened that I do not remember at all. The next day when the kitchen staff brought lunch around I guess I ordered spinach polenta and even asked joe to write large next to the typed name of the menu item so I could get an extra large serving. Who eats polenta? Seriously the other menu options were way better. I guess under drugs polenta sounds amazing? I didn’t sleep well at all this night. For some reason I was wide awake and I love the nurses that were on this night (Jenna and Blair) They are my favorite. We stayed up and chatted about the clothes, life, their work and the hospital. It was fun. They finally left my room around 3 am and both commented they felt like we were having a sleepover. 

Thursday April 10 

This may have been the loneliest day I had in hospital. No one came in the entire day and my surgery site was starting to act up and give me trouble. My left shoulder blade kept throbbing and popping and my left ribs felt like they were getting stabbed which I’ll attribute to nerve pain from the placement of my latest drain. It was a lot of taking pain meds this day and trying to get comfortable and couldn’t. Also a shooting pain started up at the top of my ribs, this only acts up when I stand up. From what I’ve learned now I think I have done way too much because of being here by myself for most of the days and not wanting to bother the nurses to reach for something. I was doing a lot of reaching behind me which I shouldn’t be doing at all and I’ve learned that the hard way. Joe came in around 4 and at this point I was grumpy. I was exhausted, lonely, worn down and in pain and really needed to be doted on. Of course Joe didn’t know any of this so I kinda kept getting upset and he didn’t know why. I had waited to take my shower for the day until Joe arrived so I could again wash my hair, so we decided to do that. As I lifted across my body with the arm that the lymph nodes were removed from, my arm just felt so heavy and kinda dropped bad into place. The heaviness and tingling scared me so much I started telling the nurses all about it. The nurses attributed it to the surgery I had, but I thought it had to be something. This was super scary. After my shower Joe got me settled and then had to leave for dinner with the family that our friend Danielle was making. At shift change when I met with my new nurse around 10 pm I explained to her what was going on with my arm and started checking it out saying that my arm was quite warm and the heaviness could be a sign of maybe lymphedema. I kinda freaked and called Joe and had a panic attack. When you already have a million things going wrong with your health the last thing you want it one more thing. I had a good cry and after she left the room I googled all about what to expect after that surgery and read all of the side effects which can at times be scary and turn into scary things, like lymphedema. Then around midnight, a second nurse comes in to check it out and completely confirms what the first nurse had said. At this point I’m in tears and they are telling me it will be okay that Sarah (the physical therapist) who is the absolute best will be in first thing in the morning. They told me she would fit me with a compression sleeve and we would go from there. They said not to worry that there were going to be times during all of this that I just need to have a good cry and that I need too break down. They said how strong I had been through all my surgeries and how positive of an attitude I had and that sometimes it was okay to just say this sucks. After they left my room I tried to get rest, I turned off my tv and sat her in the dark and with the help of the sleeping pills I took, I slept. Only for a couple hours, then I would wake up take pain meds, sleep a few more. I finally had a good night sleep. In the middle of the night I talked with people and posted something on instagram that I totally did not remember posting or writing the comment under the quote. Pretty funny to re read it the next day only to realize you don’t remember writing it. 

Friday April 11 

I was woken up this morning to Sarah the physical therapist being brought into my room by the night nurses. They had caught her first thing as it was only 7:15. She’s a tall asian lady with not much of an accent at all because she moved around a lot growing up. The first thing she did was come over to my left arm, touch it and say you don’t have lymphedema. I seriously wanted to jump out of my bed and tackle her with the biggest hug. She then told me that she would prove it to me. She put some electrodes on my right foot then my right hand and then my left hand. She moved the wired between my foot and my right hand then my foot and my left hand and showed me the result on her machine… normal, what a relief. Then she marked my arm up with a red pencil and took a measuring tape to measure around each section of my arm. She wrote down the results and compared them with the left side and said my arms are the exact same size. We went through the exercise I can be doing and are you kidding I can totally handle it. Before my drains get taken out, one set of 10 daily for each exercise there are 6. After the drains are taken out 3 sets of 10 daily. We went through how much I can lift, for 4 weeks only 5 kilos on my right side and for 6 weeks only 5 kilos on my left side. She also showed me the appropriate arm motions I can use. Basically no reaching across my body or behind my body or lifting my elbows above my shoulders. After she left I was in such good spirits I showered and got ready. I finally put on a little makeup and felt really good about my recovery at this point. I mean the numbness and tingling is still there, but after slowing down and not doing much with that arm it really helped the shoulder and ribs. My parents arrived with porter and he was so excited to see me. Gosh I love that boy, he is just a dream. Eliza also came in while my parents were there with a bag of sunshine for me. All things in the yellow bag were yellow. She seriously did brighten my day so much. After she told me some things that had been on her mind, I told her about my night that she had no clue about. The lord worked through her that day and I’m so grateful for a friend who listened to a prompting she had. It meant the world to me. My plastic surgeon came in and relieved me of another drain so I’m now down to 4 (2 on each side). My parents stayed a little while longer and as I walked them out Porter flirted with the nurses the entire time he was blowing kisses and waving at them and saying bye bye bye. They were in love with him. Joe came next so I sat and repainted my nails and pampered myself a little which was super nice. Alex and Danielle came next with lunch and then my sweet friend Linda came from school. She brought me beautiful flowers and much needed magazines as that’s about all I can read right now because of the drugs I’m taking. We had a nice visit and then all of a sudden the nurses came in and said did you know we are changing your room and moving you down stairs? I had not clue and I had a bunch of stuff in my room. Luckily I had all of them there. They were so sweet to help and set me up in my new room downstairs with no view:( The hospital closed the upstairs ward and combined the wards for school holidays because it’s generally not a busy time for this hospital. After the girls left Joe and I ate and I napped. It was my favorite day since I’ve been in here. I felt super good and I had lots of visitors:) That evening I asked my parents to bring up my boys so they did again. I just miss those kiddos. Tate whispered to me 3 or 4 times how much he missed me. Such a sweetheart. They all get so excited when they come in here. Max asks for a roll straightaway, Tate asks for candy, and Porter asks for me to pick him up. I wish I could give each of them what they want but I guess 2 out of 3 isn’t too bad.